I haven't made a post in the longest time because I had really just given up on anything I had been hoping for. I had a weird dream last night though, it was about us hanging out, and it was nice. Like really nice, I liked it. He's in Florida until whenever, and I'm hoping he's still wanting to check out the school here. I'll be pretty down if he's changed his mind.

I am bipolar xD

Not really of course... but it's the closest I'll probably ever be. To be very honest, this junk with Alex is driving me insane. My brain keeps going "yeah!! It's a good idea" two seconds later "No... it's actually really not..." the next day "There might be something between you two, you have a chance!!" three seconds later "Who are you kidding? You probably annoy him soooooo much -.- just stop..." Which is where I am now. I feel like an idiot, first for having feelings for him like this, because I mean, I've seen him TWO TIMES IN MY LIFE!!! Second, because I keep being all on top of the stuff he posts. Great, I'm a creep and he knows it. Sweet. That's awesome. I don't know if I should be excited or dreading this next friday. I'll see him again then, and I have no idea what that'll bring. I'm half expecting him to completely ignore me, and then half expecting our conversation to be incredibly dry. I'll be surprised if he hugs me again, I'm sure that last one was just because the car I was riding back in was damaged... I'm stupid! I'm so stupid! Why in the world would someone like him be interested in me, and then on top of that, be willing to put up with the hour of road that separates us. There are plenty of people in his city, and plenty of pretty girls who uphold his morals and standards. He probably thinks I'm an idiot too, because it is completely obvious. People say I'm funny all of the time, but they only say that because I'm such a freak! I mean, really, I don't think it's attractive to see my humor in others (If we're talking about girls at least). I feel like he's not superficial, but I'm not sure. Really anyone can be superficial... But I'm going to assume he's not. Even then, I don't see why in the world he'd want to put up with me. I don't know why it ever entered my mind as a possibility. Great... I hate that I jump the gun and get my hopes up. I know I said I wouldn't but at the same time, I really liked the feeling of having feelings for someone decent! Dang it... I guess I really am going to be either stuck with someone awful, or literally just forever alone. I'm such a damaged person, it just wouldn't make sense...

Finally I catch a break

My feelings for Alex came back the next morning, but I didn't feel like posting because I knew I would talk for ages. However, the thing that frustrates me is half of the time, I forget what he looks like. It really frustrates me, because I live my life in my head. I don't know if that makes sense, and if it does it probably sounds like I'm crazy. But I really do, I live inside my imagination most of the time. I love to imagine how I want things to be, because I have control. I know what's going to happen, I don't have to figure anything out, it's simple most of the time, and it's exactly how I want it. Plus I avoid bad situations a lot of the time, because I've thought everything through, and seen if something will work out. Following me? No? Haha, no worries, I'm awful at explaining things and this is something weird anyways. This was not what I wanted to post about though. What's been bothering me is for the past few days, all of my dreams are made up of me fighting with my parents. They aren't just little fights either, they're intense screaming fights like we used to have. The kind that raise my heart rate to the point where it scares me, where I am at the point of seeing red, and I'll say anything to get at the other person. I haven't had a fight like that with them for the longest time, and I hate that it's all that my dreams are of now. Except for last night, this time Alex was a part of it too. I can't remember what exactly happened, but my mom did or said something incredibly rude to Alex, and made things uncomfortable. I was furious at my mom, and of course a screaming match ensued. I called her every name I could think of, which I've never done in real life, but have wanted to do before. Then it's like everything flashed and stopped. We were in the middle of the desert and had to walk to where we were having the next single's meeting. I was walking with Alex, his dad, Lauren, and a few other people I half recognized. Once we approached the house, Alex started to rub one of my shoulders. I'm a sucker for shoulder rubs because mine are always so tense, and I don't get them much anymore. Plus they make my back feel better. He was just rubbing my shoulder in the same way that Mary does a lot of the time. Kind of like, a friendly gesture. Then once we got to the driveway, I turned and gave him a hug. The kind that the little girl from "My Neighbor Totoro" gave her older sister when she demanded to go with her to school. I just finished watching that movie, so that's probably why it was that kind of hug. When I hugged him like that, I was afraid he would be awkward. I was afraid he would return the hug, but in an uncomfortable way, like I had stepped over a boundary. But he didn't, and we stood still for a minute, accepting eachother's embrace. I know that sounds weird, especially with the wording I used, and even more especially because I've only seen him in person twice. I'm a creep, I know, but I just really want to feel this way. I like it, even if nothing does happen, I enjoyed my dream. It's not like it was risque or anything either, I think it was pretty innocent. I just want to see him again, even if he's only like this in my imagination.

BEYOND pissed

are you serious? Are you SERIOUS?!?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU WANT BRAIN!?!?!? You're so STUPID!!! What the heck... One second you sit there and go "Oh yeah, super, be infatuated with this Alex fellow. He is wonderful, and you can be attracted to him. But he'll never want you, he doesn't even show any interest. Too bad for you >:)" Now you decided to change your MINDDDD?!?! Eff man, I stopped ogling over guys, I stopped looking at celebrities, I deleted all of my pictures, I stopped even THINKING about these celebrities, and my coworkers, and I don't even hang out with any guys AT ALLLL!!!! SO WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!?!?! You're telling me NOW that I'm not horrendous looking? Well great thanks, I do appreciate that, but then you try to get rid of possibly one of the greateST GUYS I'VE EVER MET!??!?!?!?!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS!??!?! You better just be tired brain... I could kill you. You let me be attracted to idiots, but the second I like someone decent you try and destroy my feelings!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD!??! Why are you doing this to me? You want to die? Because I could kill you.  Great, yeah, you let me feel all warm when I think of when we hugged, but you went and freaking deleted that memory. Great. Yeah. Awesome. That's what I wanted you to do. Idiot. I was enjoying the feeling that these next two weeks were too long. That I couldn't wait until the 11th. That it couldn't come soon enough. Why are you taking that away from me?!??! Great, now you've made it so I couldn't really care less. I hate you. It better be that he's so far away from me right now that you're doing this. JUST TODAY!! YOU MADE ME SUPER EXCITED EVERY TIME THE DOORBELL RANG!!!! Just because you told me how wonderful it would be if he showed up at my doorstep right now. Now you're picturing him being sweet to me, and me FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT IT!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!??! Why are you picturing us hugging again, but instead of the warmth I felt last time, you're making me FEEL GUILTY!!! Guilty that he's friendzoned, guilty that I might have led him on, guilty that I ruined something that could have been perfect. But he's not and I REFUSE TO LET YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!! Yeah, you kept idiot Paul around for months, even after what he did. You let me keep Mark around, even though he really WAS nothing more than a friend, nothing more than something to help me get over Paul. Oh, and best of all CHAD!!! OH YEAH GREAT YOU KEPT THAT CREEP AROUND!!!! But ohhhhohohhhh no, as soon as someone FREAKING GREAT SHOWS UP you keep my feelings around for a couple of days, but now you've thrown them away. Why? Why are you doing this to me!?!? It's not the distance, because I wouldn't talk to Chad for a week or so and I couldn't wait until I saw him again. Same with Paul and Mark. SO WHAT THE HECK?!?!!? WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE?!? Do you even HAVE a reason?!? They better be back tomorrow, or if not, then very soon after. I swear, I will never forgive you brain if you don't bring them back by the time I see him again. EVEN A FEW HOURS AGO!!!! When you had me talk to Mary, you had me ask if he said anything about me when she went to church. AND THEN YOU HAD ME SCREAM WHEN SHE SAID HE HAD!!!!! THAT WAS MERE HOURS AGO!!!!! Don't you remember? How you sang the whole two hours back home after he hugged you? How you cried at the thought of him being with you? HE ONLY HUGGED YOU AND YOU WENT NNNNNUUUUUUTTTTTTTSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! Now, great, what did YOU DO!??!!? Maybe you're meant to be forever alone, because you can't HANDLE FEELINGS!!!!! Remember, this happened the Sunday after I met him too, but that was before we started talking, and before really anything!! It was fine of you to make me doubt then but NOW!??!? WHAT DO YOU WANT??!?!?! ANOTHER BIG FAT DISGUSTING MAN WHO DOESN'T BATHE, CAN BARELY READ, AND BEATS ME?!?!?!?! You're telling me that I'm forcing my feelings, like I did with Mark. How I couldn't bear to be with him because he disgusted me. But you took two months to have me figure that out. Heck, this morning you had me wanting to move to where he lives, despite my anxiety of his city and it's magnitude. Earlier, you imagined how sweet he would be, and how funny he would be to talk to. WHAT THE EFF HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!! I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Die. If you don't bring them back, just die. I really don't get it. This better just be the enemy trying to get him away from me because he knows that he's great. If not I'll kill you. I'LL KILL YOU FOR EVER DARING TO TRY AND FRIENDZONE HIM WHEN YOU LET CHAD STICK AROUND!!!!!!! EVEN WHEN ALL YOUR FRIENDS TOLD YOU, HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GONE IMMEDIATELY YOU KEPT HIM AROUND BRAIN!!! NOW WHY CAN'T YOU KEEP ALEX AROUND!???!!? I hate you so much. Just try. Try and remember how you felt when you spoke to Mary, or on the way back home, or on the way up to see him on Friday. Try and remember what makes him great, I don't care if you make me super self conscious again, I don't care if you bring me back to bulimia again, I don't care if you bring me back to self mutilation again, I don't care if you keep me in these sleepless nights or these days of complete lethargy or days of depression or days of harmful thoughts. I don't care what else you bring back in my mind, just please bring him back. Bring back the warmth you felt when you thought of him, and the fuzziness you felt while being around him, the shakes you had when he looked in your direction, and the brightness and joy you felt when you pictured all of this happening. Even if he isn't interested in you, you should be interested in him. He's what you've been looking for and YOU KNOW IT!!! I'm convinced you don't want anything nice. You don't want anything positive. Through all of this, since this is tormenting me so, I'm just going to delve deeper into His Word. If this is, and hopefully this is, just the enemy just trying to get to me, this will work. This will bring me to where I should be. I don't believe in coincidence, and I don't believe in chance. We met, and hit it off immediately for a reason. There is a reason you didn't HAVE to stalk from a distance, that he welcomed your interaction. This better just be because you just finished watching Princess Mononoke, even though I don't understand the correlation. This better be because of the stress you have over failing this semester. You know what? Fine, I'll give you that. I'll let you focus on only school for now. Once school is over, I'm going to expect you to comply. IDIOT

?

Hahaha, I probably shouldn't post when I'm in the middle of panicking. However that was what was running through my mind, and this is called mind unfiltered. I feel better about myself today, a lot better than I felt yesterday or this whole past week. I was happy to find that I've lost at least 10 pounds, and am almost 20 pounds lighter than I was when I started going to the gym. I haven't gone to work out at the gym in a while though, just doing stuff at home. I still want to loose at least another ten though. I think once I've gotten down to a normal weight, I'll feel better about myself. I'm just tired of mortified of going to the doctor's office.

About yesterday, I feel more positive about Alex. I'm a little more like something could happen between us. Still, I don't know, just because I'm more than sure I'm not the only one interested in him, and there must be some girl that's better for him than me. If he is for some reason interested, I'm wondering if I should tell him about all of this. My problems,my insecurities, my faults, my past. I'm just afraid it will scare him away. Who would want to be with someone so damaged. See? This is what happens. I start feeling good about something, then my brain ruins it and makes me second guess everything. I'm just gonna stick with I think there is a possibility, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up.